Reflections

National Eating Disorder Awareness week has passed and my last post is trailing a few days behind. My brother and I took a quick trip to Oregon to surprise my mother for her birthday and as a result I chose to go computerless as much as possible. The story of the surprise trip will be posted later in the week. So as I close this past week packed full of emotions, hard memories, and good memories I find peace. As I sit back and reflect on what has been my life, what currently is my life, and what I hope the rest of my life to be, I realize I would not want to change any ugly detail. I don’t have a single regret, if it were not for my life’s journey in its entirety I would not be the woman I am today. I have been asked more times that I count “how is it that you can push through the desire to go back to where you were”? I can’t sit here and tell you it is easy, but I can tell you that the life I have now is so far greater than any life I could dream of having while in the relentless grasp of Anorexia. I live a life void of ‘should haves’, ‘would haves’, could haves’ and now live my life in the moment. I realized that when writing the story of my life, I didn’t want anyone or anything else to hold the pen. I didn’t want my life or legacy to be defined by Anorexia; I wanted my life to be defined by strength, determination, and perseverance. It is within the power of every one of us to change what we don’t like, to change what is not healthy, and to refuse to use the phrase “I can’t”. I was amazing the amount of times I heard “I can’t” while I was in treatment, it was never a matter of ability it was a principle of attitude.

This is one of my favorite quotes as I continue my path to recovery. Before treatment I remember back to the rigidity that was my life, I sacrificed friendships, I sacrificed jobs, I sacrificed my health, I ultimately put my life in jeopardy for an unrealistic expectation that punishing myself with the lack of food would make everything better. What I didn’t know then, but I know now, is that all of the elements of my life that I sacrificed are the elements needed to live a full and complete life. As I conclude I want to again thank the people that stood by my side during the darkest hours, put up with my irrational, illogical, and often time uncompromising attitude, and loved me through my tears, pains, and struggle. To each of you, so many to mention here, but I believe you know how you are, I will forever be indebted and I love you all so much!